So 2020 has been a trip!!
This year has been a major struggle for me, I won’t lie. I know Covid has been giving everyone a run for their monies and all but I feel like I’ve been through the ringer and back.
I have been having such a difficult time, not just with the pandemic and adjusting to life with the new restrictions in place; social distancing and wearing masks and job insecurity. But, in general, I have been having a rough time. My last two blog posts were about overcoming depression and bible verses that can help pull you through the darkness. At first I tried to convince myself that I was doing it for the benefit of those I know were having a hard time adjusting, but I was so lying to myself. I was going down the deep dark rabbit hole and looking desperately for a lifeline.
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do you just can’t catch a break? Like the effort you put in seems pointless in the grand scheme of things because it just doesn’t work out? Like as soon as you start to see the silver lining or bright side of the situation, something else just goes wrong? Yeah, so that’s how I’ve been feeling.
The year started and I had such high hopes. I made plans for my finances, career, even personal development and it just felt like everything went belly up. My husband and I sat down and planned out our finances and what we wanted to save and spend to start making our dreams a reality; dreams to own our own home, and forge new business paths…and then Boom!! Corona!
When the virus first broke out, I was cautious. We had training at work and learned all the things we needed to do to keep ourselves safe. Then people in Antigua started to get infected and it seemed even more real and the need for precaution solidified. Then the country went on lockdown. By this point everybody was freaking out and fretting about loss of wages and jobs and toilet paper. I wasn’t. Not because I have wads of cash stacked up in my bank account or anything like that, and not because I knew I was an essential worker and was assured job security, because I’m not. I work in tourism, which is the country’s main industry and due to the lack of activity I was sent home with a reduced income.
But! I looked on the bright side. I said to myself at least now I have lots of time to work on projects that I really wanted to get done but didn’t seem to have the time to accomplish. I figured I could write lots of blog posts and schedule them, so I could stay ahead and consistent in my posting; I could get some work done on my debut novel that I’ve been working on for months; I could start some other side projects to make some passive income. I had a plan, and about a million alarms on my phone to keep me focused and productive. All I needed was my computer and some internet and I was set. Then, my internet went out.
The service provider told us it was a minor issue and we would be up and running within a week so I was like, okay no problem I’ll just use this week to strategize. Within a few days the internet was back up and running…. that lasted one day! Then, we were back in the dark ages. At this point we have no connection to the outside world. We can’t leave home, there’s no internet, we have no home phone and I didn’t want to run up my cell credit. The service provider said something went wrong, give them two weeks max. At this point I’m starting to get worried. Two weeks turned into four, and four bled into six, and six just kept bleeding until it was Almost three months with no internet and I was going crazy!
Now, I know what you might be thinking, millennials and their need for instant gratification….but, I’m not a millennial, I’m Gen Z thank you very much. For me it had nothing to do with entertainment and everything to do with a lack of productivity. I was getting nothing done and that was tearing me up. All I kept thinking was ‘what if my husband and I both lose our jobs, and have nothing to fall back on?’
I was so caught up with worry that I became depressed. I felt sick to my stomach most days and I didn’t even want to get out of bed. My husband tried to encourage me and get me to look on the bright side on things but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see it. All I could think about was the “what ifs” and all I could imagine was the loss of everything I had been working so hard to accomplish.
And I’d love to say that I woke up one day and the spirit of the Lord fell upon me and suddenly I was given a great revelation and I no longer feel downtrodden, or disheartened but I’d be lying. What I can tell you is something that I’ve been thinking on for the past few days:
The journey is just as important as the destination. Without the journey, there is no destination.Tweet
I was reminded of this quote recently:
“The heights by great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night.”Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The journey is rocky, and sometimes completely unstable, but in order to achieve great things sometimes you have to go through great things. I have a determination to not live a life a mediocrity and settling for what life throws out. I believe that as a child of God, excellence is my portion and I’m prepared to toil and strive and work hard to achieve it.
Then I woke this morning and stumbled upon this verse while doing my devotions; “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6. God goes before me everyday. Every wrong turn, every speed bump, every pothole, every detour in the road, God is there – holding my hand, being my shield and guide. And I don’t know exactly what that means for the goals I set or the plans I had but I know that eventually things will work out.
So I guess my encouragement to you is to not allow the potholes along the way in your journey to throw you off the road to getting to where you’ve set out to go.
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